I was with my son the other day wandering in the mall when he asked for Pokemon Cards, AGAIN, while he has more than 500 cards collected at home, most of which ended up being fake from the local market. Aaaanyway, that’s not the point. He asked and I replied: “Yii Rawad, I cannot wait until you grow out of this cards thing, it’s a waste of money!” So he looks at me and says: “Mom, you gotta make up your mind, do you want me to grow up and change fast, or do you not?” Damn, he got me thinking of the many times I tell him how much I want to pause time so I can hold on to him just a bit longer… They do grow up so fast, while our attention and presence as parents might not be focused on them, and we end up feeling like there was so much time lost, that could have been better spent.

Then I realized, it’s not that we are not always present with them, it’s that we are not present at all. We drive, be with friends, and sometimes even watch a series, all while we’re on our phones! We read an article, or a book while our minds wander to the project we are working on at work. We’re physically at work and thinking about our kids’ homework, we’re at dinner and thinking about what is going on at home, and vice versa… The list goes on.

And don’t even get me started on the teens and tweens! They’re mostly never mentally present where they are! While they already juggle the imbalances of their hormones and feelings during their young years, they are bombarded with so much information through digital channels, it’s just insane! I constantly wonder what brain capacities they have to be able to handle that and stay sane. But unfortunately, many aren’t anymore, and most are struggling with newly rising mental and physical imbalances and syndromes that we barely had heard of a decade or two ago; tech neck, ADD, ADHD*, lack of focus, and patience. Most of their interests shifted to somewhere only they know.

This trail of thought brought me to the concept of “Presence”, of being in the moment, when everything starts slowing down and you can feel every bit of every activity you are engaged in, even if it’s “doing nothing”.
Given the fast pace of our lives, anxiety, stress, and unhappiness are the new “normal”. We may not realize it, but we have this tendency to be either in the past, or somewhere in the future, or even somewhere other than where we are now.
Even while I write this, I can feel my brain dragging me to irrelevant places;
“What plans do I have for today?” “I didn’t hear back from my client yet“ “Am I well prepared for my next talk on Tuesday” “How will Rawad do on his exam today” And the list goes on.

Why is presence in the moment so important? Does it really improve our lives?
Well, I tested it and it really does to a great extent. Being present-minded, as a way of life, makes us calmer, more peaceful, and happier. It helps reduce anxiety and can keep us grounded and connected to ourselves and what’s around us. It helped me personally to cope with negative emotions I used to constantly have, like guilt, fear, or even anger.

Having said all that, learning to be present is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted. And as much as I believe I’ve significantly improved, I still have a long way to go. What I learned on that road is that the only way presence happens is through training this practice into my everyday lifestyle. And rare are those who like to train (including myself :/)

Here are eight tools I used myself to be more focused and present at the moment:

1- Meditating, yes, that 5-minute meditation where I focus on breathing only and nothing else. With practice, it can go up to 10, 15 minutes or even more.
2- Writing “Morning Pages” every day to purge everything that I have on my mind even when it doesn’t make sense.
3- Leaving my phone behind for self-set periods of time. And when it’s with me, I trained myself to be aware when I pick it up during a movie, a meeting, or any activity.
4- It’s okay to do one thing at a time! I started taking it easy on myself, without expecting too much of what I can offer in the now.
5- Accepting the present moment as part of Life’s journey of what I cannot change (or do not want to change)
6- Every time my mind wanders into the past or the future, I remind myself that the past is in the past and that I don’t own or can control the future.
7- Setting my goals and schedule for the day so I know what to expect of myself.
8- Practicing Yoga (I should do it more than once a week, but this is what I can do now)
9- I trained myself to read without interruption. Read anything! I started off with two pages without interruptions and went up to 20. Still on the way 🙂
10- Enjoy a shower 🙂 As simple as it is, being underwater, is so soothing to the extent that it cancels out all the noise in the head. Those 7 minutes became my added “meditation of the day”.

Being in the moment, even when in pain? Yes, even then. We absorb the pain of the present moment as part of the status quo (of what we cannot change), accept it, and remind ourselves that no state is everlasting. It is true what they say: “The only way out is through”. Be aware here, that lingering in the pain, when it has happened and ended in the past, means we are no longer being present in the moment. Simply said, hardly done, but definitely not impossible, I promise you.

When it comes to our younger siblings or children, the work is harder, because it does need a lot of awareness to train for the present moment, and they cannot do it on their own.
What can help is:
1- Engaging with them in one on one conversation or activity without having any phones or distractions at hand or sight.
2- Teaching them to meditate even if for 2 minutes as a start.
3- Putting a suitable time for digital detox (this works for adults as well) even if there is resistance at first.
4- When you feel there is anxiety or fear of the future (what will happen if, what if I…), allow space for them to open up. Try to remind them that “now” is what they can control, and that it is okay to let go of what they can’t control tomorrow, and think about it only when it’s in the moment, not today, but then.
5- Encourage them to engage in a hobby or activity they love on their own or with friends; anything that will keep their focus in the “now”.

As this moment comes to an end, I go back to the initial story. I told Rawad: “You’re right, you growing up is a process I can’t control, so I am here with you in the moment, enjoying every step of your journey, while I’m on mine.”